If you were to ask me what I want to be when I grow up (I just turned 49), I would have to say that I still don’t know. I can’t really say that I have liked any job I’ve had enough to say, yep, I want to do that. It’s really always been about making money to live. I have a strong work ethic and can push ahead in even the worst job situation. Sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes not.
I’ve been trying to figure out what I want to do regarding the work part of my life since I was a teenager. During my time in church I was told that God has a plan for my life and I simply need to ask Him what that plan is, listen, and do what I believe He is telling me to do. That sounds great, doesn’t it? Except that, as far as I can tell, He never told me. I spent many frustrating years praying and listening. I no longer believe that there is some specific, divine plan regarding the type of work that I do. I think we are free to choose how we spend our time. Yet, from time to time, there is a tug (for lack of a better description) towards something different. It goes beyond the surface annoyance of day to day life. Lately, it’s been very pronounced. Especially when I come into work. There is a strong dissatisfaction with the way that I’m spending my time. And, a sense of, it’s time to move on. Move on from what to what, I’m still not sure. This tug, this dissatisfaction is different than just, I’m tired of my job. It’s almost like a knowing that it’s time to change. Time to do something different with my life.
So, I’m taking more time to be quiet and just listen. I’m not putting an expectation on what I might “hear” or how, I’m just going to get quiet, on purpose, a little more often and see what happens. Of course, the question arises that if I don’t believe in some kind of divine will, what exactly is that tug and who or what am I listening to/for? Hmmmm….
Going back to my Agnostic Taoism post, I like what someone said regarding this:
“That means I have no idea about the afterlife or our souls or even the nature of God, but I find the world has paths and flow to it and you can surf those waves and follow those paths if you simply stop resisting so much. There are behaviors that increase suffering and there are behaviors that decrease suffering. There are thoughts and beliefs and ways of being that can ease our personal and the world’s way through the day. I try and do those thoughts and behaviors. It makes it easier on everyone.”
But this makes me ask, who or what is behind these paths and flow of life? I really do have so many more questions than answers at this point in my life. Which makes me laugh because 20 years ago, I thought I knew the answers to most of the questions! LOL Silly human. 🙂
And, the tug could just be a psychological thing, all made up in my head. I don’t like my job or the long hours that I work, so I invent this thing that makes it seem like God/the Universe/flow, whatever, is tugging me in a different direction. Heck, up until not too long ago, most of the world didn’t have the freedom to just quit their livelihood and do something else. A large percentage of the world still doesn’t have that freedom. So maybe it’s all about perspective and gratitude? Like the sub title to a book I recently bought says; having the life you want by being present to the life you have.
Nonetheless, I’ll keep reading the things that seem to grab my attention and being quiet more often and listening on purpose. It certainly won’t hurt. Maybe some answers are in this quote, credited to Mooji;
Throw everything away, forget about it all. You are learning too much, remembering too much, trying too hard. Relax a little bit, give life a chance to flow its own way, unassisted by your mind and effort. Stop directing the river’s flow.